I speak literally. After Michelle trimmed back the rose bush outside our house a couple months ago — hard, I must say, hard enough for the kids to be mad at her for “killing” it — roses are now popping up like tulips in the Dutch springtime. At one point I counted 29 rosebuds on our single modest shrub. A small thrill, this explosion of blossoms, every time we walk in from the outdoors.
My wife went through similar physical and mental symptoms. She used to say she had lost her ability to achieve joy. She was so tired during her Keytruda treatment for Stage IV lung cancer that she could wear herself out just eating a meal. Unfortunately she passed away last week after a steady six-month decline. She was cancer-free as far as we know. Her last scan in January was clear, anyway. I pray that the cure will be kinder to you. The capacity for joy should not be underestimated.
Dear Doug - that is a hard story to hear. For the sake of you and your wife, most of all, but for anyone hoping that their cancer treatment will be deemed worthwhile in the end. All of us would wish for a crystal ball; if we’re to suffer and die anyway, so much better to have just floated the Grand Canyon and called in hospice. We’re none of us offered that luxury, unfortunately, and sometimes what awaits us is unbearably hard in unexpected ways. I hope you are healing as best you can. Buzz
Thanks. We were so happy together for so long, so care-free, it is hard to complain. But her treatments and the resulting side effect management the last three years had so totally consumed our waking hours that, now that it’s over, it feels like life is a big, gaping black hole. When she went to Stage IV with a pleural effusion in 2019 the onc told us the median survival time for similar cases was 15 months. We made more than double that, and every day with her was a blessing I credit to the researchers and practitioners who are working tirelessly to solve this evil cellular puzzle. There is hope. She did not die in vain ... https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/dallas-tx/tobi-bedell-11279539
Thank you for putting into words what many of us experience quietly and alone. It's an odd comfort to hear your complaints because they validate my own.
As one of your patients I can vouch for the credit earned by your relentless positivity and caring. A quirk of quarantine means almost all of my interactions are in writing and looking at them now I see such a frightened and self-centered twit I can't imagine how you put up with me. There it is in my own words and that too is oddly comforting because no matter how I feel about circumstances I'm slightly less paranoid and slightly less self-centered so I can say the requisite "doing fine" and "feeling better" without the sense I might be lying just because that's not exactly the circular track my mind runs around.
Kanoa - I cannot comment on the substance of your confession due to the risk of a $10,000 fine for a HIPAA violation, but can say that the recovery from a cancer treatment is certainly a relative process — the bad moments are so bad that a half-decent day is good and a good day is outstanding; and the criteria for the latter are set at a much lower bar than pre-treatment. I think that falls in the “healthy & necessary” category. Buzz
Dear Buzz, Your writing, as usual, is so authentic and moving. Your struggles are so real, however, your optimism still shines through. I read your post to my husband who has his own struggles with cancer. He knows he is not alone. Thank you for sharing these most intimate details about your life. Here’s sending you much aloha and a speedy return to your prior very funny Self.
Wow! Just wow! What an “incredible” journey! First, your writing skills are off the charts! Second, as someone observing from the sidelines, there’s that innate desire to try to find a way to wave the proverbial magic wand and “make it okay”, “make it go away”! But, it’s just not possible. I find myself wondering what I would do in your situation, and this might make you chuckle…I would juice. I would juice anything and everything that is a known, (and not so known vegetable)..because I am an avid and hardcore juicer in life and can feel the wonderful benefits on a daily basis. I would juice like my life depended on it. But, for someone that likes heavy creams, I can imagine that might be as unpalatable as anything else out there. Well Buzz, no matter what, I send you blessings and love and I know I’ll be seeing the four of you soon! Love, Phillipa
Your need to stay productive (thereby being true to yourself) is one of your finest qualities. Guardian angels are watching over you, so keep the faith.
My wife went through similar physical and mental symptoms. She used to say she had lost her ability to achieve joy. She was so tired during her Keytruda treatment for Stage IV lung cancer that she could wear herself out just eating a meal. Unfortunately she passed away last week after a steady six-month decline. She was cancer-free as far as we know. Her last scan in January was clear, anyway. I pray that the cure will be kinder to you. The capacity for joy should not be underestimated.
Dear Doug - that is a hard story to hear. For the sake of you and your wife, most of all, but for anyone hoping that their cancer treatment will be deemed worthwhile in the end. All of us would wish for a crystal ball; if we’re to suffer and die anyway, so much better to have just floated the Grand Canyon and called in hospice. We’re none of us offered that luxury, unfortunately, and sometimes what awaits us is unbearably hard in unexpected ways. I hope you are healing as best you can. Buzz
Thanks. We were so happy together for so long, so care-free, it is hard to complain. But her treatments and the resulting side effect management the last three years had so totally consumed our waking hours that, now that it’s over, it feels like life is a big, gaping black hole. When she went to Stage IV with a pleural effusion in 2019 the onc told us the median survival time for similar cases was 15 months. We made more than double that, and every day with her was a blessing I credit to the researchers and practitioners who are working tirelessly to solve this evil cellular puzzle. There is hope. She did not die in vain ... https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/dallas-tx/tobi-bedell-11279539
Thank you for putting into words what many of us experience quietly and alone. It's an odd comfort to hear your complaints because they validate my own.
As one of your patients I can vouch for the credit earned by your relentless positivity and caring. A quirk of quarantine means almost all of my interactions are in writing and looking at them now I see such a frightened and self-centered twit I can't imagine how you put up with me. There it is in my own words and that too is oddly comforting because no matter how I feel about circumstances I'm slightly less paranoid and slightly less self-centered so I can say the requisite "doing fine" and "feeling better" without the sense I might be lying just because that's not exactly the circular track my mind runs around.
Kanoa - I cannot comment on the substance of your confession due to the risk of a $10,000 fine for a HIPAA violation, but can say that the recovery from a cancer treatment is certainly a relative process — the bad moments are so bad that a half-decent day is good and a good day is outstanding; and the criteria for the latter are set at a much lower bar than pre-treatment. I think that falls in the “healthy & necessary” category. Buzz
Doug Bell- condolences.
__
Sounds like your malnourished.
I equated my post Trx as Hungry Bone Syndrome..I’m a bit bigger but consumed 4-5k/24 hours with 64/64 oz of zero Gatorade/water plus multivitamin.
Hope you regain yourself soon.
Dear Buzz, Your writing, as usual, is so authentic and moving. Your struggles are so real, however, your optimism still shines through. I read your post to my husband who has his own struggles with cancer. He knows he is not alone. Thank you for sharing these most intimate details about your life. Here’s sending you much aloha and a speedy return to your prior very funny Self.
Wow! Just wow! What an “incredible” journey! First, your writing skills are off the charts! Second, as someone observing from the sidelines, there’s that innate desire to try to find a way to wave the proverbial magic wand and “make it okay”, “make it go away”! But, it’s just not possible. I find myself wondering what I would do in your situation, and this might make you chuckle…I would juice. I would juice anything and everything that is a known, (and not so known vegetable)..because I am an avid and hardcore juicer in life and can feel the wonderful benefits on a daily basis. I would juice like my life depended on it. But, for someone that likes heavy creams, I can imagine that might be as unpalatable as anything else out there. Well Buzz, no matter what, I send you blessings and love and I know I’ll be seeing the four of you soon! Love, Phillipa
Every breath is a gift to yourself and your family. Also to your community. Tu puede
Your need to stay productive (thereby being true to yourself) is one of your finest qualities. Guardian angels are watching over you, so keep the faith.
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